The Unknown

• Even when something is very difficult, if you know WHAT it is, somehow it seems bearable. It’s the unknown, the guessing and the 'what ifs' that are truly the most difficult. 

• I remember during my first year teaching, Spring of 1997, my mom found a lump in her breast. She had minor surgery to have it removed and I went to their house that afternoon. She was standing at the back sliding glass door in her robe, chain smoking; while my dad sat in silence in his chair like a zombie. It was the first time I ever saw them as mortal, ‘breakable’, I was 25. I stayed that night, cooked them dinner and made sure they ate. It was weeks until we got the news that her biopsy came back benign. That ‘not knowing’ was crushing. I remember how hard it was to breathe that night. 

• I felt that feeling again today. I saw THAT look on the face of someone I love today and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I was instantly back in my parent’s living room, struggling to breathe, and needing to be strong. But this time, I’m the mom. 

• I wish I could explain exactly what is going on, but honestly, we just don’t know. And that unknown is scary. For now, I will say that we have some concerns with Savy, and some tests are being run. Like always, she’s a rock star! She would only allow me to pull her out of school for a short bit today, returning for the last 15 min of the day, just in time for practice. She plans on attending SG’s scrimmages tomorrow, and we are hoping to have some of the results tomorrow as well. 

• We welcome your prayers, good thoughts, love and light. ❤️

Sh%!'s Getting Real, and All You Need is Love.

I’m gonna be real. My intention is NOT to hurt anyone’s feelings, or to make anyone feel bad. But I AM going to be real. Because for a LOT of people, I think they are just not quite getting it yet. THIS IS REAL. There ARE people dying. There are facets of our lives, of our WORLD that are shut down, and some of these have never been shut down before. This is, to steal a word from this younger generation…EPIC. What is going on right now is real, it is huge, and to many, many people it IS traumatic. There are some families that will be losing homes, there are some families surviving only on these free meals, breakfast and lunch, which the schools are providing. There are some families that have sent their young children away. Moms and dads who are essential front liners, first responders who KNOW they are risking their lives every day for others, and then also choose to send their children away to live with friends or relatives JUST to keep them safe. I could not imagine.

But you know what doesn’t matter, what SHOULDN’T matter in my opinion? My math lesson, Or if my kids are in their beds for my Zoom morning mtg. I mean, does it really matter? NO! I’m just glad when they show up! I love when any of my students complete any of the work that I assign, don’t get me wrong. And EVERYTHING I have assigned is meaningful; I ain’t got time for busywork! But seriously, most of my parents are still working. My kids are either home with siblings, being watched by someone, or who knows?? So if they aren’t doing work, I get it! I am SO glad that my personal kids don’t need my help, because I couldn’t imagine trying to do my job AND help my kids during the day, there’s NO WAY!

As teachers we wear many hats. We are educators, parents, counselors, therapists, etc. you name it. I have spent less time in the last month as an educator than ever before. And that makes sense. Reread the beginning of this again if you need to, but new learning or ANY learning is NOT a priority right now, and it shouldn’t be! Love, compassion, grace, understanding, the mental health and well being of each and every one of our students; THAT should be our priority. If you are spending more time planning lessons, than touching base or checking in with your students…you may need to reevaluate. It would explain why YOU are stressed and also why you have students not completing work. This is a struggle for so many parents, this is uncharted ground, and they need our compassion more than anything else.

Our focus shouldn’t be on what our kids are missing, or how far behind they are getting or will be. The focus needs to be on what they ARE getting…bonus time with family, cooking lessons, learning to bake, time to play and create, family game time…foster THIS! Give them assignments that foster creativity. Tell them to play outside and send you a picture. Have them build and create things!

We have the greatest opportunity before us to make a difference. Before, when students were in our room, they didn’t have a choice, they were ours. As a teacher you had a captive audience. We always ask that question, “Would YOU want to be a student in your classroom?” As the weeks go on… students and parents have a choice now…will your attendance increase or decrease?

NOT today Satan...

So, it’s been a while. If you are in my circle, you know I’ve been struggling. My triangle knows the details about why. My triangle, I wouldn’t be surviving without them right now. And my circle, well I probably wouldn’t be sane without them. But this wasn’t supposed to be about them, it’s about not letting Satan win.

Part of my struggle has been that I have been closed off from God for a while. I’ve been mad, bitter you could say about some things that have happened in my life, and I think that I blamed Him. We left our church family behind when we moved here, both church families actually. And while this move was the best thing for our family, and I LOVE living here, we have faced some struggles and challenges that I think I blamed on God. That certainly didn’t make finding a church here any easier.

What I finally realized about a week ago was that the farther away from God I got, the worse things became. And the ONLY thing that was going to make anything in my life better was to find Him again. I have been making a conscious effort to find a church, and this morning I was determined to go. But Satan was STILL doing his best to stop me. He uses fear, doubt, everything he can. At the last minute I was able to get clothes on in time and get out the door. And as I was driving I was thinking, well my hair is still wet…but oh well…people judge, but Jesus doesn’t! Thank goodness I was going for Him!

I’m so glad I made it there today. I needed it more than I realized, even if it was just a baby step. Thank God for triangles and baby steps. And NOT letting Satan win.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...a season of travel ball

Coaches are just people: don’t raise them up as Gods, or forget they make mistakes like you and me. Coaching is a calling, a passion. NO true coach is ever in it for a paycheck. They CHOOSE to coach to make a lasting impact on children and their futures. If a coach is complaining about money, (unless that IS his career, I get it Ron Rivera) that should be a red flag about his morals/ethics.

An average NC high school football coach will get paid about a $4000.00 supplement for the year. Let me repeat that - $4000.00 FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR. That includes: Spring workouts, summer workouts, and the entire fall season. Let’s look at JUST the fall season… A typical week will include practice M-W (9 hrs) games on Th-F (10-12 hrs) getting the field ready (2hrs) Weekly mtg (2-4 hrs).  So approximately 23-25 hrs/week for 12-16 weeks, or about 300-400 hours ‘on the clock’ minimum for the fall season alone. That coach is already down to $10/hr and spring and summer workouts haven’t even been factored in. CLEARLY it is not about the money, and in my opinion it never should be.

We are relatively new to the travel ball arena, and just like that game ‘which of these is not like the others’, that would be us! We are NOT a typical travel ball family. This is not our weekend activity, where we toss away our money. I am a teacher, Jay works in a factory; we drive old cars and eat off the dollar menu so our kids can play ball. Our kids get 1 of what they need and use it until it wears out or breaks. That includes sneakers, gloves, bats, etc. Our kids have been well-developed athletically thanks to their daddy and growing up on sports fields. But it came to a point where they needed more, so we chose an organization that we believe in – MVP. Savy has been involved with their softball program for 2 years and we could not be happier. She has played on great teams (10U, 12U) and has truly benefited as an athlete from Carlos’ classes at MVP, particularly his catching class and the speed/agility class. Both kids benefited from the winter workouts; and that is where Justice was introduced to MVP where he would actually ‘tag-along’ with his little sister. It took us longer to allow him to play travel ball, but we eventually caved to the peer pressure from Carlos and Nick. He has loved playing on this team, so we are so glad that we caved ☺

But oh…the DRAMA…

Silence is golden. Drama is a lot like a fight or an argument. You don’t need to attend every one that you are invited to. Sometimes the quietest people are the smartest ones. And you never have to remember which lie you told who…if you only speak the truth, or just don’t speak at all.

Even after Savy’s first season of softball, I was NOT adequately prepared for the drama of the baseball diamond. Apparently my amazing MIL and “Aint” Sue could have warned me, but they didn’t 😀 LOL Now don’t get me wrong, I can get along with ANYONE (ok, just about anyone) so I really enjoyed all the parents, families, siblings, etc. And by siblings, I mean little brothers! Let me just explain our families – there are like 25 all boy families! Ok that may be exaggerating, but really we have 4 or 5 families that have ALL boys, and by ALL boys I mean 3 or 4 boys! When the little brothers run off to play it’s like Sandlot, for real.

I am a loyal person (more on that in the next blog) and I am VERY black and white. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Ok, so maybe he gets the Spectrum thing from me 😉 LOL  So honestly, it’s not the people, but the DRAMA I just can’t handle. And this season became a negative fest. I get that those things happen, especially when teams are losing; and we did that, a lot. But it got to the point that it seemed like everything wrong and bad in the world was MVP’s (Carlos & Stephanie) fault and that our team, our coach had no accountability. Zero. Now I am not here to just slam our coach, I think he is a great kid. In fact I told him after the very first tournament (through tears) that he has no business being as good as he is at his age.  I meant it; he ‘gets’ our kid, and that alone is no easy task. But he IS young, and he still has a lot to learn. There is much to be said for the wisdom that comes with experience. For example, I lost my mind at the first tournament when we made several 3rd outs at third base.  And it was still happening at the end of the season ☹ Now I don’t keep the book, so I don’t know if it is the same kid, but it IS the same coach making that call. Learn from your mistakes.  

We came to the party a bit late with this team, so we may have missed some stuff, but it seemed like part of the rift, negativity, he said/she said had to do with money. As I have said before, when I speak I state MY opinion, backed with facts. (I mean, it IS my blog LOL)

This is what I know:

I have heard several people say that our coach has not been paid from the organization (MVP)

~ I have seen $1200+ in checks that our coach has cashed from MVP, including one for the hotel in Greensboro.

I paid $200 in cash for Justice’s uniform.

~There is only $100 recorded on the spreadsheet as being paid.

Several boxes of new balls were just bought (by MVP) and given to our coach for the 14U team (within the last few weeks). They have never used these at practice.

~Our coach didn’t know we needed to bring balls this past weekend (although it was in the rules that HE sent to all the parents), so a PARENT went out and bought some.

A GoPro was bought for the 14U team (by the parents) for recruiting/promoting purposes. Having a HS athlete we were obviously very excited about this.

~I saw it for the first time this Saturday for a few minutes. When Jay asked on Monday about recording Justice in the cage this week he was told it is broken and being sent back for repairs.

Our team was NEVER registered for this 3 day, $800, wood bat SC tournament. We were originally registered for a 2 day, $250 tournament in Anderson.

~The Anderson tournament was cancelled due to lack of teams. OUR coach, OUR parents chose to play this tournament.

Here are some of the things that I have overheard:

Carlos has gone out and bought a boat with all the money.

~If you knew them at all, or spent any time at MVP; you would know that they eat, sleep, and breathe MVP. They are there all the time!

The facility is locked up, they’ve closed and Carlos has to use Heritage’s field.

~He did practice at Heritage all week, one week. The Showcase team was preparing for a tournament; I know because Justice was there.

The 11U team is terrible; they haven’t won a game. But we love Coach.

~WTF. I’m sorry. Sure he’s a great guy (well, maybe you should reread ^^), but he is coaching 2 teams that can’t win. I can’t speak for 11U, but 14U has the talent. And I have watched my husband out coach talented teams to win games for years.

THIS is what I truly do not understand…Why not ask? Why not question things? When I have a question, like I did about this SC tournament way back in June, I called and asked Stephanie. She registers the teams for the tournaments, so I went to the source. I would like to think that these parents don’t believe EVERYTHING that comes out of their own teenagers’ mouths (if so, God help their poor teachers! Lol) yet believe every word that comes out of another teen’s mouth! MVP is a business; it is this family’s livelihood. They have poured their hearts and souls into this endeavor. They are accountable to 14 teams, countless parents, families and the community. They have receipts, they have records – all you have to do is ask. Go have a conversation with Stephanie, with Carlos.  But you will NOT like what you hear, because I haven't even scratched the surface. You WILL feel betrayed, because you have been lied to, you have been stolen from. And then if you are smart you will walk away and let the chips fall where they may. I have spent months encouraging people to take the high road, because that is what we teach our children. But sometimes, wrong is wrong and sometimes wrong is so wrong it is criminal.

Out of the ashes...and long overdue.

Losing my mom destroyed me. I thought I was prepared, because I had in essence lost her years before. But it has taken me years to realize the toll that the devastation actually took on my life, on my relationships. It took me moving across the state, losing myself and finally finding my self again in the hearts of some amazing friends to realize how far gone I really was…

You see, my mom was MY PERSON. The Dolly-Mama was usually the first one I called/texted, often before I got out of bed and most often the last at night. We talked on my way to work/school and on my way home. She is who I shared my ups and downs with, and was the first one I turned to when anything was wrong. Until that something wrong…was her. And then I was lost.

And then Jay became my person, which was LONG overdue. But the toll it took on my relationships with my friends was especially devastating. I developed such a fear of losing those close to me that I became almost a hermit. I became very closed off and my circle became increasingly smaller, to the point where it was TINY right before we moved.

Then we moved, which in some ways saved my life. I am extremely blessed to absolutely LOVE my in-laws and my husband’s entire extended family. Our move meant that we would now be living much closer to almost all of them (and there are a LOT of them!) But it also meant starting over, at a new school and finding new friends. And finding new friends isn’t easy when you are closed off, when you are too scared to lose people that you can’t open yourself up. It took me a long time to realize that losing one person was costing me so many others. It took me years in fact. But I am finally healing and I am finally trusting. And the amazing friends that I have found have become so much more than friends, they have become family.

Unconditional Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.

Love.Never.Fails. Now people, we fail all the time. We fail AT love. We fail each other. But love, it never fails. In its purest sense, the love of Jesus will never fail us. If only WE could love like Jesus. But isn't that our goal? True unconditional love. I feel like I first learned about unconditional love from my precious Dolly-mama. I wish I could say I learned about it from my parents, but unfortunately I can't. My dad taught me from an early age that love had to be earned; but my mom, she loved me unconditionally. Her love for me never wavered, no matter the choices or mistakes I made. Likewise, my love and admiration for her never wavered a bit, even through my teens when she was 'the meanest mom in the world'. I learned how to love 'warts-and-all' from her.

I was blessed to find a man who also loved like Jesus and loves me unconditionally as well. Loving like Jesus has taught us how to love, grow, forgive, love our babies unconditionally, and forgive some more. To me the most amazing thing about unconditional love is that it doesn’t keep score. Dolly and I never kept track of who called who, or how often; we just knew that we would each be calling the other. Every day. Several.times.a.day. Because we loved each other, UNCONDITIONALLY. That love…without keeping record, without keeping track, it is so rare and pure. And so hard to find. I had it with my Dolly-mama, we have it with Jay’s parent’s (the best In-Laws in the World) and family, our children have it, and I have a few select friends who I love and love me unconditionally.

When it comes to children, our children, love ‘is not self-seeking’. In other words, when we became parents we put our children first. Not above God, or our marriage; but we became less selfish, less self-serving. Unfortunately this is not true of all parents. But Jay and I had both been raised in situations where we had seen amazing examples of unconditional love, but also non-examples and we were determined to love our children unconditionally. We never want our children to wonder if they are loved, to feel that they need to do ANYTHING to earn our love. No child, young or adult should ever feel that way. Love always protects.

Mean Doesn't Win

Rude vs. Mean Vs. Bullying…I have a poster about this hanging up in my classroom, because kids CAN be mean. They can also be rude and sometimes they are bullies, but mostly, they are just mean. 

Not too long ago someone was mean to one of my kids…it happens, like I said, kids are mean. It actually didn’t even faze MY kid, but WOW did it faze me!  For a couple of reasons…first of all, I don’t like mean! Second of all, it was someone who is very near and dear to me/us. Third, it really just hurt my feelings as we try very hard to provide for our kids as best we can, but refuse to spoil them. They get ONE pair of nice sneakers when school starts, that’s it. Shoes are not a competition. When and if they get worn out or outgrown, they get replaced. Period. For Savannah that is usually the next school year and for Justice it is at least once or sometimes twice during the year.

Anyway I kept trying to figure out why this wasn’t bothering my kid? How did he just let this roll? Well, he texted me the other day telling me that it was time, his current sneakers were officially on their last legs and could we please go shopping for new ones. So we all went shopping last night and I had a glimpse into the awesomeness that is our children. Now I’m not saying any of this to brag, or to point out that we are great parents, because trust us, we have messed up immeasurably and are full of faults. BUT, there are a few things that we have gotten right, and raising grateful, unspoiled children (who fight with each other constantly ;) are a few of those things! Just as a little background, we do the 4 gifts for Christmas (1 want, 1 need, 1 to wear, 1 to read) so as we were leaving the store Justice says “well, these can count as my 1 thing I need for Christmas.” Seriously? I love this 13-year-old boy! And his sister, who is already starting to plan her birthday party (in June) because she wants to donate gifts to a children’s hospital or cancer center. Yes, we must be doing something right, and even when their Mama gets upset…mean didn’t win.