She waited her WHOLE life for this…

Kids say the darndest things huh. Or the wisest, depends on how you look at it. There will be more in the weeks ahead, but this is all I’ve got right now… So as most anybody who will read this knows, my sweet, precious Dolly-Mama passed away last Thursday. Most of you that have know her for a LONG time, knew that she had a stroke about 3 years ago. January 5, 2009 to be exact…the day my life and hers, forever changed.  She was never the same after that. She recovered physically, slowly, mostly…but communication was difficult. And she was never quite the same.  She never got ’her life’ back…sure, she was alive but she wasn’t living HER life. She was living this life that someone else created for her, that fit into theirs…Her old life was HERS…she did what she wanted, which was mostly centered around helping others, and her grandkids.  Watching her with them is by far my favorite memory. We would go to the forest, or to Carl Sandburg or just to a park…as long as they were with their Mom-mom and she was with her Justice and Savy, it was all good. And they would walk, and talk (and talk, and talk, and talk ;) according to Grand…and THAT is all that mattered.

 

But all of that changed 3 years ago, and it was hard. Hard for all of us, we lost our mom,  and our Mom-mom.  So now, we are a little sad, but we know that she was ready, she was tired, she missed HER mom.  She didn’t like this life she was pushed into, it wasn’t hers. And she was done. We know that we will see her again and when we do she will be happy, not sad and depressed like she has been for so long now.

My mom was my best friend and I do miss her, but I also realize that God has blessed me beyond belief. My mom has a twin sister, and she has always been there for me too. My Aunt Donna is like a second mother to me, and I grew up pretty close with her children as well. I am closer with my cousins, who have always been there for me, than I am my own sister. Another one of my precious blessings is my wonderful MIL, Jane. I am wise enough to know that not everyone has a relationship like ours, and I thank God for it, and her daily. So, while I mourn the loss of my mom, I know that she left me in very good, capable hands - for she loved these two ladies as much as I do.

So - about the title…Our kids stayed at the hotel with Jane for a couple nights during all the craziness last weekend. At one point they were talking and Jane said “On Monday we have Mom-mom’s funeral” and as she said it, she almost second guessed herself because she wasn’t sure if we had used that term yet. Well, as she says it Savy responds, arms in the air “YEAH! Mom-mom’s funeral!!” OOPs, thinks Jane, “well, it’s not really something to be happy and excited about Savy.” to which Savy responds “Why not? She’s waited her WHOLE life for this!” Out of the mouths of babes…

Nightmare

So I thought that all of the deaths I (we) had suffered this past year had been horrible, with some of them being somewhat expected and some of them being sudden. With the ages ranging from a young girl of 8 years old to the ripe old age of 89 years old, these losses all rocked our world on one level or another. But not one of them ROCKED me like I was ROCKED on Monday, January 5, 2009.

My mom went in for a routine heart catheteration. Based on the results she may have needed a ballooning procedure or a stint. Unfortunately during the heart cath procedure, she SUFFERED A STROKE!! So a quick 1/2 hr procedure turned into HOURS of waiting for me. After hearing NOTHING for hours, I texted my dad, then called him. He then told me the news. I immediately left my school, called Jay, drove to his school to pick him up (so he could drive me - thank goodness it is close, because I was in NO state to drive!) We drove straight to the hospital and by the time we got there, mom had been stabilized in the CICU. She was sedated, on a ventilator and they had completed all surgeries. They were able to go in and 'clean up' as much as they could in the brain, they were hoping to treat what was left with meds. As far as assessing damage - it was in the left side of her brain, therefore the right side of her body is affected. As well as speech and understanding.

That day, Monday was horrible, horrific, tragic, numbing, there really aren't words...she was trapped within herself. I knew she was in there, I knew she could hear us, but she couldn't respond, talk, could barely squeeze with her GOOD hand. All I could do was tell her it would be okay, that we would get through this...and when I kissed her goodbye / goodnight and told her I'd be back in the morning she nodded her head, ever so slightly. HOPE!