What a Difference a Year Makes...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4 NIV)

A year ago today my life was so different. I had a Mom, or she was alive at least. My Mom as I knew her had been gone for a few years, but at least a small part of her was still physically around. My dad was alive, but I didn't really have a dad. We had basically mutually given up on each other years ago, on any meaningful relationship. Years of childhood hurts, then the teen years, and even some struggles as an adult. I believe every parent does the best they can, with what they know, and with how they were taught/raised. Was my childhood difficult? At times, yes. Do I know tons of kids who have difficult lives? Yes. You still have a choice every day to rise above...

A year ago I had good friends, that I was pretty sure that I could count on for anything. And I had some great family members that I was close to, but I did not make a point to see or talk to them enough.

And then it happened. Tomorrow. 3-15-2012. The day that changed everything. The ides of March. The day she never woke up, the day she stopped fighting. It didn't surprise me or catch me off guard, I was ready. But it broke my heart nonetheless. It broke my heart to tell my babies, it broke my heart as I realized she was GONE, and for a while it broke my spirit.

But I never lost faith. And I leaned on those friends. I learned to ask for help and to reach out...which has never been easy for me. And those good friends I had last year, I count many of them as family now. Those family members...mainly my Aunt Donna (mom's twin sister) and my cousin Gene...I have seen them even more this year. I am blessed to have her as a "s'parent" I know everyone isn't as blessed. And I have cousins that are like siblings, that I've seen a couple times this year even though we live 800 miles apart. Not to mention our almost daily interactions, we are very similar and make great sounding boards for each other.

Our immediate family is so blessed. I know that Jay and I can weather ANY storm, without a doubt. And our babies have experienced so much death, yet have so much faith. Just the other day Savy said..."You know, Friday is Mom-moms birthday. Cuz the day someone dies and goes to heaven is like a birthday too!" Yeah...they get it.

Probably the biggest difference this year is that I DO have a dad now. I talk to him or text him every week. We see him almost every week. After Mom's memorial service we sprinkled her ashes in FL at the beginning of May. That was the last time I talked to my dad, and I honestly did not think I would ever speak to him again. Then, in September, out of the blue he called. Actually it wasn't out of the blue, and there is a lot to the story...but that is for another blog. Just suffice it to say that God is in charge. Like I told someone the other day...I had an AMAZING relationship with my mom, and I got 40 years with her. If God took her so that I could have a relationship with my dad, I'm ok with that, I consider myself blessed.

Yes, blessed indeed.

Happy New Year

I've got to be honest...there's a part of me that is glad that 2012 is over. It was definitely a year of tests, a year spent 'in the fire' and while part of me is glad its over...I wouldn't change any of it. Now I KNOW that some of you just read that and said..."um, Shan?..." But really, for all of the tests, heartache, loss...I wouldn't change a thing, because in the end I feel as if I have come out BLESSED beyond measure.

I have said before that I know undoubtedly that Mom having her stroke saved Jay and I...it brought us closer together, and made God our focus. I used to think that I couldn't live with out her...that I HAD to have my mom around. God showed me that I would be just fine without her...as long as I put Him first. What I finally learned this year, through many heartaches, and many losses...was that there was only ONE who I couldn't live without...God, and as long as I focused on Him, put Him first...then I would be fine.

It was a tough year, personally...professionally...mom, job issues, personal issues. They took their toll. But through them all, I put Him first...and amazing things happened. We had the opportunity to help out a family/friend. We were able to develop some friendships into very important relationships. The kids are getting older, so football season seemed a bit more manageable. And since our Sunday School class started going to the games...I even started sitting in the stands...sometimes ;) Honestly though, if it weren't for the amazing group of Coach's Wives (and a few select parents) I'm not sure how any of us would make it through...

But I digress...because my point is, I am SO Blessed. I am blessed to have all those people sit around me as a buffer in the stands. Blessed to be in a circle of Coach's Wives together, with other precious ladies who get it! Blessed to work at a place that is more a family...than a job. Blessed to have some amazing friends, who are truly family. Blessed to have some family that are some amazing friends. Blessed to have some family that I am finally learning to trust and love. Blessed that I had the amazing gift of 40 years with the best mom ever. Blessed that I have learned that forgiveness and love is so much better than pride. Blessed to spend my days with God and my Nortons4

She waited her WHOLE life for this…

Kids say the darndest things huh. Or the wisest, depends on how you look at it. There will be more in the weeks ahead, but this is all I’ve got right now… So as most anybody who will read this knows, my sweet, precious Dolly-Mama passed away last Thursday. Most of you that have know her for a LONG time, knew that she had a stroke about 3 years ago. January 5, 2009 to be exact…the day my life and hers, forever changed.  She was never the same after that. She recovered physically, slowly, mostly…but communication was difficult. And she was never quite the same.  She never got ’her life’ back…sure, she was alive but she wasn’t living HER life. She was living this life that someone else created for her, that fit into theirs…Her old life was HERS…she did what she wanted, which was mostly centered around helping others, and her grandkids.  Watching her with them is by far my favorite memory. We would go to the forest, or to Carl Sandburg or just to a park…as long as they were with their Mom-mom and she was with her Justice and Savy, it was all good. And they would walk, and talk (and talk, and talk, and talk ;) according to Grand…and THAT is all that mattered.

 

But all of that changed 3 years ago, and it was hard. Hard for all of us, we lost our mom,  and our Mom-mom.  So now, we are a little sad, but we know that she was ready, she was tired, she missed HER mom.  She didn’t like this life she was pushed into, it wasn’t hers. And she was done. We know that we will see her again and when we do she will be happy, not sad and depressed like she has been for so long now.

My mom was my best friend and I do miss her, but I also realize that God has blessed me beyond belief. My mom has a twin sister, and she has always been there for me too. My Aunt Donna is like a second mother to me, and I grew up pretty close with her children as well. I am closer with my cousins, who have always been there for me, than I am my own sister. Another one of my precious blessings is my wonderful MIL, Jane. I am wise enough to know that not everyone has a relationship like ours, and I thank God for it, and her daily. So, while I mourn the loss of my mom, I know that she left me in very good, capable hands - for she loved these two ladies as much as I do.

So - about the title…Our kids stayed at the hotel with Jane for a couple nights during all the craziness last weekend. At one point they were talking and Jane said “On Monday we have Mom-mom’s funeral” and as she said it, she almost second guessed herself because she wasn’t sure if we had used that term yet. Well, as she says it Savy responds, arms in the air “YEAH! Mom-mom’s funeral!!” OOPs, thinks Jane, “well, it’s not really something to be happy and excited about Savy.” to which Savy responds “Why not? She’s waited her WHOLE life for this!” Out of the mouths of babes…

Moving Forward...

I took some steps today - back, but forward. Back into the swing of our old lives, so I / we can start moving forward again. I am making myself type this with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, because it's time. I reread one of my favorite quotes today..."Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." --Plato It is SO true of so many of my close friends yet they are the kindest people I know. This Blog was my New Year's Resolution - but then I just couldn't. There were more important things to do. Trips to the hospital, to rehab, therapy, healing - I just couldn't. Now I have come to realize that I have to - because life will never be the same, she will never be the same, I will never be the same...and I need to share some of those things. I'm still not used to not being able to call her all day long - it's hard during the summer. I used to call her before I was even out of bed most of the time. I still find it hard just to get out of the bed sometimes...I'm not being melodramatic - it's just that I think life has changed the most (most dramatically) for her and for me, and it is still a shock to my system at times.

So about today - we took some steps back into the swing of our old lives and the kids and I went to youth group...had a little Madness fun. It was just what we needed - to be surrounded by our friends and great kids. These are a bunch of people who have loved our crazy kids since before the existed - and love them even more when they do REALLY crazy things like pee in their shorts! And I needed to see that there's a part of my life that is marching forward, that IS staying the same. And that's the love and support of our Awesome friends!

Nightmare

So I thought that all of the deaths I (we) had suffered this past year had been horrible, with some of them being somewhat expected and some of them being sudden. With the ages ranging from a young girl of 8 years old to the ripe old age of 89 years old, these losses all rocked our world on one level or another. But not one of them ROCKED me like I was ROCKED on Monday, January 5, 2009.

My mom went in for a routine heart catheteration. Based on the results she may have needed a ballooning procedure or a stint. Unfortunately during the heart cath procedure, she SUFFERED A STROKE!! So a quick 1/2 hr procedure turned into HOURS of waiting for me. After hearing NOTHING for hours, I texted my dad, then called him. He then told me the news. I immediately left my school, called Jay, drove to his school to pick him up (so he could drive me - thank goodness it is close, because I was in NO state to drive!) We drove straight to the hospital and by the time we got there, mom had been stabilized in the CICU. She was sedated, on a ventilator and they had completed all surgeries. They were able to go in and 'clean up' as much as they could in the brain, they were hoping to treat what was left with meds. As far as assessing damage - it was in the left side of her brain, therefore the right side of her body is affected. As well as speech and understanding.

That day, Monday was horrible, horrific, tragic, numbing, there really aren't words...she was trapped within herself. I knew she was in there, I knew she could hear us, but she couldn't respond, talk, could barely squeeze with her GOOD hand. All I could do was tell her it would be okay, that we would get through this...and when I kissed her goodbye / goodnight and told her I'd be back in the morning she nodded her head, ever so slightly. HOPE!